Is Sexuality Sin?

         I know what you are thinking, "What could a non-married, 23 year old virgin possibly have to say about sex? Aren't you meddling in areas that you don't know anything about?" In my defense I would ask an entirely different question, "What could a 23 year old unmarried, virgin young man possibly not have to say about sex?" I have a front row seat to what is going on in our world and I would venture to say I have a great deal more to say about it than many older, married individuals who are dealing with similar, but very different sets of problems. It always annoys me when I hear married men talk down to unmarried men about their sexuality and how to change it. I think most married men change after they get married, but rather than recognizing that their wife had a great deal to do with that change in understanding and change in behavior, they assume that all of a sudden they have finally gained the victory over their sexuality, and God miraculously cleansed them of the evils of sexual desire. I call their bluff. Give credit were credit is due. So I am going to talk to unmarried men and women, who are struggling with their sexuality, and I am speaking from your point of view, I am not looking down from some ethereal marriage seat, judging your actions or your desires. I'm there with you all.

         We live in a very confusing world. One made even more confusing by the religions we grow up in. On one side we deal with a world that constantly over plays and over dramatizes sexuality, and on the other hand we deal with a religion that underplays and stuffs sexuality in the black box of evil. One masculinizes sexuality and glorifies male dominance in sexuality. Essentially you aren't male unless you are driven by your sexuality. The other side calls male sexuality a sin, and condemns all types of sexual desire until you are married at the age of 30 or 35.

         It is even worse for females. One side of the issue glorifies and objectifies female sexuality. It underplays their sexual desire and instead, focuses on their beauty as the only sexual thing about them. When the world shows females as having such a thing as a sex drive, it paints them as desperate, or in need of a strong male in their lives to calm them down and get them under control. On the other side, the church completely ignores female sexuality. They blame all problems on the guy. Girls have to dress modestly because guys could get inadvertently turned on. The church never addresses the fact that maybe girls desire that, that maybe girls have a sex drive too. The thought almost seems to never cross the Christian mind. They completely underplay female sexuality and often ignore it all together. After all, the only example we have in the Bible of a female who desired sex was Potiphar’s wife, and we all know how evil she was. So when the church does address female sexuality they paint it as an evil thing, a spawn of Satan.

         Granted, not every one who identifies themselves as Christians thinks about sex in such terrible terms as I just described. There are many great Christian authors with wonderful things to say about human sexuality, but there is a trend in Christianity to label sexuality as the original sin, created by the devil to tempt mankind. This belief is pure speculation. I'm going to speak to you logically and soundly here, I'm not going to quote bible verses and throw doctrine down your throat, let's just think about these issues with an open mind and see what our sexuality can reveal to us about God's character.

         God created sexuality. "What! But why would God create something evil?" That does seem to be the first reaction that many Christians have when introduced to this concept. Why would God create something that would cause me to have sinful desires? Now here is the logic I want to bring to you, our sexual desires are not sin. Given what we know of God, that he is ultimately loving, that his existence is essentially Love, and that when he created us, he said, "It is very good." Do you really think that kind of God would design an essential part of our bodies and then declare it to be evil? The thought that God would do that is laughable to me. Of course He wouldn't! Then why do we have this idea that sexuality is wrong?

         It happens often in well meaning families, often perpetuated from mothers who do not understand. They tell their little boys and little girls that they are never to touch their private parts. The child begins to see an essential part of his or her body as somehow wicked and terrible. Think of how confusing that is to a little boy or little girl growing up. Many are taught never to explore their sexuality or even think about it, because it was wicked. So imagine their horror when instead they began to dream of it.

         That brings us to a really important question. Is masturbation a sin? For hundreds of years Christians have argued the evils of masturbation and used it as a way to control the sexual exploration of young people. Would it surprise you if I told you that a condemnation of masturbation is never ever found in the bible? Does it surprise you to discover that one of the major sexual doctrines taught by almost all Christian denominations is never once mentioned in the Holy Scriptures? I know your next argument, "what about Onan? God killed him for masturbating." Let's ignore the obvious fallacy that it is to believe that God actually killed Onan for sinning, and let's just focus on the actual story for a second. Why was Onan's sin so bad? It had nothing to do with masturbation. In fact Onan did not masturbate at all. When he went in to Tamar to give her a child, he pulled out before completing the act of intercourse.

         You know why this sin was so terrible? It is because Onan, for practical purposes, raped Tamar. God was dealing with a culture very different from our own, and in that culture, if a women's husband died without having a son, she was pretty much useless to society. She was outcast. She would not remarry and she would be destitute for the rest of her life. God set up a system that fit within that culture in a way that made sense to the people of that time. It was God working mercy into a merciless culture. According to God's law, if a woman's husband died without first having a son, her husbands brother was instructed to take care of her, to marry her and raise up children for his brother. Onan did not marry Tamar; instead he used her for sexual gratification and then left her. To think that Christianity would use such a story to condemn masturbation is actually pretty sad and pathetic. To think that an entire world of people could miss what was really going on with that story is just mind blowing. So no, there are no stories about masturbation in the Bible, none, zero, zilch.

         So what has really been going on in Christian circles is the suppression of sexual discovery. It has led to countless cases of people who never become comfortable with their sexuality and forever feel guilty for taking part in sexuality even within the bounds of marriage, something that God gave them to actually enjoy and that actually teaches us about an aspect of the character of God. Sexuality is a natural part of being human. Ideally, such sexuality should be shared between a man and a woman who have pledged their lives to each other forever. You have to realize something important however, they were smart in those days, they understood that children became sexually active around the ages of 12. You were expected to start a family not long after hitting puberty. Now days kids are reaching puberty earlier and getting married much later, but the church has never ceased its war on sexuality. We are raising adults who feel awful about their sexual desires for a good quarter of their life. There is no biblical support for condemning masturbation. Sexuality is a natural process of our bodies that God himself made, sexuality is ideal inside marriage but I'm a realist, marriage is a long way off for some of you.

         Let me lay down a little bit of my dichotomous ideas of human sexuality. On one hand I believe that human sexuality is amoral, it is not bad and it is not good. It is like eating, eating in and of itself is not good or bad. Eating can be turned into something bad if you decide you want to eat ice cream 5 times a day, but the act of eating is amoral. So when dealing with subjects such as masturbation I look at it in light of a natural body process. It is our body doing what out body does naturally. There is nothing weird or evil about it. On the other hand sexuality inside the bounds of marriage is a wonderful revelation of the character of God. It reveals awesome things about God’s desire for relationship with us. Sexuality with a partner inside marriage is an intense spiritual experience. So sexuality is both amoral and spiritual depending on which aspect of sexuality you are addressing.

         This subject of masturbation brings us to an important question. Lust is very obviously condemned in the Bible, and perhaps that is why Christianity has come down so hard on sexual exploration. Jesus said it probably the most straightforward it could be said, "You have heard that it was said to the ancients, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:27-28) This very obviously excludes things such as pornography, strip clubs and many things of such nature that are generally considered immoral. That is the real question. Is it possible for you to engage in self-gratification without lusting after a person? Honestly, that is for every individual to determine on his or her own. It is none of my business what you can and cannot do. That is a question that exists between you and God alone. No church, or pastor, or parent, or any person has the right to meddle where only God is allowed.

         This brings us to another question. What about sex before marriage? I'll let you in to a little secrete, according to the law of God, there is no such thing as sex before marriage. Sex presupposed marriage in the Bible. If you had sex, you were married, end of story. Why is that though? Doesn't it seem prudish of the Bible to be so strict on its dealings with sex inside marriage? Actually no, and that is for or several reasons. God's laws on sexuality were primarily set up to protect women in a culture in which they had no rights. In the nations around Israel, if a man desired a woman, he could just take her, and he was not obligated to care for her, and since he was stronger than her it was practically a free license to rape. God's law put an end to that practice inside the Jewish system. You could not just take a girl and sleep with her and then discard her, thus ruining her reputation and her chances of a family and a home with a husband to care for her. If you slept with a woman in the Jewish culture, you took care of her for the rest of her life. Sex was a contract if you will. This law protected the woman from being a victim of her culture. This is yet another indication of how God works within our culture to relate to us in ways that we can understand. God never seeks to force a change in the way we think, but he does seek to alter our understanding so that eventually we will change our own culture.

         There is another reason why the Bible speaks so favorably about sex inside of marriage, and about marriage in general. In fact, the Bible, with the exception of Paul, Is so pro-marriage, that it is almost a requirement. Why is that? It isn't just to increase the population, no. The Bible is pro-marriage and pro-sex because God is pro-marriage and pro-sex. That concept is one that Paul never seemed to grasp entirely. Marriage is an institution that God set up from the beginning. It is one of the first things spoken of in the Bible, and it is the very first commandment that God gave to humanity. Does that sound ridiculous? It is true; you can read it in genesis. When God commands Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply, he is referring to Sexuality.

         Why do you think that is the first commandment He gives to Adam and Eve? If you say it is because God wanted lots of people on the earth, I would have to say you are wrong. If God wanted lots of people he would have just created them. No there is something in the act of intercourse itself that God desired Adam and Eve to experience. I believe it is the experience of intense, emotional, physical, and psychological love for each other. It is one of the most intense experiences a human body can achieve that utilizes every aspect of our being. Sexuality is designed for love and care of each other. In fact, I believe that the idea that sex is for the male is a lie invented by the devil. I would almost go as far as to say that sex was in fact created for the woman, but that would be false as well, sexuality was created for absolute unity between male and female.

         The female is not always as interested in sex as the male is, that is not always the case, but it often is. However, the female can experience multiple orgasms, over a much shorter period of time, she also requires more attention and care when achieving orgasm. The male on the other hand, reaches orgasm very fast and often will not be able to experience it again, or even be interested in experiencing it again for 30 min if he is lucky, but more than likely several hours.  This paints a picture of a need to be very in tune to the other person. For the man, he has to recognize that sex is about lovemaking, not simply reaching orgasm. It is about caring for the other person more than he cares for himself. Paying special attention to her needs, and her desires and loving her. For the woman, it is about recognizing that the male has a biological need for sex, and that his desire is more intense than hers, and his need for it is more often. Sex is about caring more for him than she does about herself, it is about loving him. Sex is so specifically designed for mutual care and love for each other that it is baffling. It is such a lovely thing when understood correctly.

         God wanted us to experience that intense emotional interaction, to experience what it is like to so deeply fulfill the desire of someone else beside ourselves. That intense emotional and physical response leads us to more fully fall in love with the other person. The fact of the matter is that humans are very emotional creatures, we feel for each other. We have the ability to sympathize, and to draw from each other emotional reactions. When someone cries, we automatically feel a certain draw to that person, especially if we are the one who caused him or her to cry. It draws enemies to love each other, and suddenly care for someone they hated just moments before. Now imagine that, times ten, as a couple experiences the climactic response of the other person during sex. It is an overwhelming emotional connection, so I am told. It is also an experience that is not shared outside of the two of you. It is your experience together, alone. That exclusivity is another thing that God desires to teach us.

         God desires a relationship with you, one that is a deep and intense experience. He desires for you to know him like you have never known anything before. In fact, He so desired that, that every single thing inside of creation reveals God to us. Every experience we will ever have, every piece of knowledge we gain continues to direct our understanding of who God is. Sexuality is but a sliver of what God desires for us to know about who He is. He is a God of passion, and love, and desire. Please do not get me wrong, I am not sexualizing God here, I am simply stating that God created all these things to reveal himself to a creation that otherwise could not understand who He is. Creation is a revelation of the character of a truly wonderful God.

         So when you have sex with someone whom you have no desire to commit your entire life to, and to be one with, and to share in life experiences till death do you part, what does that tell you about your relationship with God? Not only does it damage your understanding of who God is, but it also damages the understanding of the other individual. I have seen it many times, the girl has sex with the guy because she loves him and desires to be with him forever, yet the guy had no desire to spend eternity with her. It damages that girl terribly, and it effectively ruins her understanding of how much value she has to God. I've seen that story go both ways. However, if you have had sex with someone who you are not going to marry, the story is not over. No you have not committed the unpardonable sin. In fact, the only reason why that action is considered a sin at all is because it has the potential to destroy your relationship with Jesus. If you do not allow that to destroy your understanding of how much God desires a relationship with you, than you have not committed a sin at all. Your understanding of God can be repaired; you can be a woman or a man after God's own heart once again!

         If you are a couple and are planning on getting married, but feel dreadfully guilty that you have already slept together, knock it off. God is not condemning anyone, least of all you! God simply desires a relationship with you. The only thing you did, in the eyes of God, is get married a while before everyone else knew you were married. There is nothing to be ashamed of, do not allow that mistake to alter your relationship with each other and your relationship with Jesus. So you had sex weeks, months, or years before your actual wedding day, no one should care, God does not, He only cares that in the end you come to a deep knowledge and experience with Him. To him you were married the day you had sex, you just waited a very long time to celebrate. This does not mean however, that if you had sex with someone you have to marry him or her. No! If that marriage would damage your relationship with God more than marrying someone else would, then please do not marry him or her. This entire discussion ends up being about relationship, not simply with each other, but with Jesus. How have your actions affected your understanding of God?

         With all of this being said, I want to call each of you to a higher calling. For those of you who are unmarried, plan your relationships in a way that will only increase your understanding of who God is. Love and care for the other person more than you care for yourself. Hold each other accountable, and do not engage in sexual activity until you are sure that person is the one you will spend the rest of your life with, which in my opinion you will never know for certain until you are actually married to them. Do not be afraid of your sexuality, explore it, get to know yourself and who you are as a beautiful individual designed by God. Ladies, get rid of the ideas perpetuated by the church and the world, you are not simply an object of sexual desire. You are a sexual individual, with your own God given desires, not an accessory to the male’s sexuality. To the guys out there, put away those feelings of guilt you have had ever since you were a little boy, the feeling that you might as well stop trying because no matter how hard you try you can never be pure enough. Your sexuality is not a sin. It was created by God and intended for pleasure. However, in your sexual discovery, remember to whom you belong. Remember that their is someone out there who desires to share with you her entire being in a way no picture on the internet can ever do. Remember that there is a God who desires you to know Him like never before.

I will end with my favorite bible verse in all of scripture, "Rejoice, in your youth, young people; and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth, and walk in the ways of your heart, and in the sight of your eyes; but know that for all these things God will bring you in to judgment." (Ecc 11:9) Enjoy your youth, explore your desires and who you are as an individual, but never forget that God desires a relationship with you that goes far deeper than the things we can experience day to day. Life is exciting, take joy in it, and discover what God has in store for you.